Explaining death to Sam

Almost 4 years ago, our friend's daughter was killed crossing a street. It's every parent's nightmare and to their credit, our friends have shown courage and strength unlike anything I've ever seen. Emmy is never forgotten and will always be terribly missed, but somehow our friends still live their lives.

Samantha knows that her former "heerio" (hero) Clay had a sister and that she died. I've reminded her about it as an explanation of what can happen if you go into the street without an adult and why we hold hands in parking lots. (This is not to say that his sister was at fault because it was an accident.) She asks where Emmy went after she died and I say I'm not really sure (because I don't really know), but that some people think she went to heaven (a really warm and peaceful place), of course to which she said she wanted to die and go to heaven. At that point, I took a deep breath and another. I told her that I would be really sad if she died because I would miss her and so would Daddy and Sofie, her grandparents, Leslie and so on.

My parents never taught me to fear death, it's inevitable and you usually don't have a lot of choice in how you die, so I choose not to worry about it too much. I'm trying to instill that in Sam too because as the saying goes, you can't fight death.

Sam has brought it up a few times that she's not going to die and that she doesn't want me to die either. I casually tell her that I will die someday because everyone does and that doesn't change. I also tell her that I'm not afraid of it because what matters to me is how I live, not how or when I die. I need to make my time here and now count. Needless to say, this is an ongoing topic but I hope she understands the message as she matures.

Again, it's how you live that's important, not how you die. Emmy is a great example of that, being passionate in her variety of interests and accepting of those around her without judgement. I aspire to be that way in my life and I hope that Samantha and Sofia choose to do so as well.