A letter to my Dad

It's been 13 years since you passed on to whatever comes after this life.  You are missed.  I struggle to describe you to my children.  Words just don't do you justice, it seems impossible to relate your essence to them.  You were bigger than life, though that's a common perspective of a daughter to have.  I share my stories that highlight your sense of humor and the girls listen, but it's not enough to convey how fun and crazy you could be.  There is a part of you that lives in me and in my daughters and that is a comfort.

I don't pretend that you were perfect because there were times you were horrible and I wanted nothing to do with you.  I'm forever grateful that I put aside the anger and built a relationship with you.  I still have the card you made me out of duct tape after we began speaking again.  I think it's comical that cribbage was our neutral place to meet and that rarely am I beat playing the game to this day.  I can't watch "Wheel of Fortune" without thinking of you in your den.  I think it would've been awesome to take you skydiving like we planned.  You would've been hooked as much as I was!

I miss you even more now that John is gone, though I'm glad you didn't have to experience that loss.  I'm grateful I'm never alone the way he was, whether it was circumstance or choice.  

I wonder what you would say about my life, and I think you'd be curious about my life in the city (though I'm in the suburbs).  I know my girls would have you wrapped around their fingers and you'd enjoy them.  I mostly believe that you would be proud of me.  I still love adventure and I'll fight if I have to.  I've grown up enough to realize that I don't have to share every opinion and actions speak louder than words.  I run free and learn new things daily.  I've learned time is always short so you have to appreciate those special moments when they happen.  I'm still learning the finer points of gardening and am slowly unlocking the farm girl inside.  My arms are still strong from the summers you made me move hay bales.  

You taught me about choosing happiness, so thanks Dad.  I love you.  And I miss you so much.

Mommy trying to make up for Daddy traveling

The girls have been vocal about their dislike of Daddy traveling and both Daddy and I appreciate their honesty.  I'm sure it's hard to hear for Daddy, but he is missed by all of us.  I go into overdrive because it's hard on the kids and like most parents, I want to help my kids with their pain.  It's a different dynamic when he's gone and I do my best.

Since it is noticeably harder whenever Daddy has to leave on a Sunday and will be gone all week, I compensated by taking them out for a junk food lunch followed by a trip to the zoo.  It was chilly, but we got to see the leopard and tiger cubs.  We made banana muffins, took Ely for a long walk and ate dinner downstairs to watch some TV for a bit before playing some games.  There was some resistance to taking Ely, but I took a break to stay calm and I'm grateful both Samantha and Sofia respected me.  It's okay that I need a minute here and there. I'm human and more importantly, they're seeing coping skills in action.  They see my persevere and recover.  And I remember that these days are special in part because I'm so focused on them trying to meet every need and also because I'm mindful how precious the time is that I have with them.

I relish these moments and marvel at how lucky I am to have these wonderful girls as my daughters.

My week with the girls

I finally got to indulge in some time with my girls... no work, just home chaos and the joys of girl time (and Ely).  I've been in my job over 2 years and have never taken a full week off... I'm a little ashamed of that.  I have really enjoyed being able to just focus on my family since they are what matters most.

We started early on Friday by taking Ely for a morning walk and a trip to the coffee shop.  Then, the girls went to "camp" at a friend's house, followed by more park time with Ella and Johanna, followed by more playtime with them at our house.  Then, Ms. S brought Kaya and Kayde over for more playtime.  It was a great way to start the vacation!

Saturday morning the girls and I went out and about for a bit while Daddy got ready for his trip and did outdoor chores.  I took some time out in the afternoon with my friend Rene' to go shooting.  I'm a fairly good shot, and it was fun to try a muzzle loader rifle from the 1800's.

On Sunday we dropped Daddy off at the airport.  The girls rode their bikes while I ran with Ely for a full hour.  Sofia was exhausted, but it was good!  They kept doubting me on where we were going and it was comical to see them try to navigate.  At the playground by the car, we took Ely down a few slides and he went in the tunnels... we all laughed and cheered him on!  The girls noticed an airplane and waved saying, "We love you Daddy and we miss you already!"  It brought tears to my eyes.  We all miss him so much when he's gone and we know he misses us too.

Of course, Ely jumped in the lake so I had to give him another bath!  (Last week he had one too after going in the water at the dog park.)

Sunday continued with a kid switch: I had Sofia and Kayde while Ms. S (a teacher at Sofia's school) took Samantha for a sleepover at her house.  It was an easy way to split my girls up to give them a break and it was fun to host Kayde's first sleepover by herself!

Monday was spent recovering from the sleepover.  Other than walking Ely and playing around the house, we really didn't do much and that was fine.  Tuesday Sofia had swimming and then we all got haircuts.  That took a while, but everyone managed themselves and there were no behavioral issues.  I was very proud!  Wednesday the girls had some other friends over before we took Grammy out to dinner, which was nice since we haven't seen her much lately.  We got to see Nana at her local community center too.

April 2012

We began April by giving Daddy some well-earned downtime and going to a small scale children's museum close by.  I was still reeling from unexpectedly missing spring break.

I love Sofia's reaction in the video... priceless.

Daddy was gone for 3 weeks in April. He was home on the weekends and we made the most of the time together, but he was missed by all. The girls and I kept ourselves busy with mostly good weather, playdates and living simply. I realize there will never be enough time so I try to cherish very moment I have with my children. As a family, we have taken an approach to salvage whatever sanity we have and not be over-scheduled. We know families that run themselves ragged every day of the week to activities, clubs and other classes. I am trying to avoid that for us. I don't judge those who make a different choice, or say we won't ever be in that situation (we have have our turn). I'm just trying to keep it simple for as long as I can. I don't see a benefit to signing The girls up for camps if they're not interested. I can put the money toward a vacation or their college funds. I think that Samantha is doing well with only one activity, but I don't know how long that will continue. Sofia is loving the arrangment because of all the playdates. I usually try to get together with another family at least once a week/weekend. I've offered to take kids to support other busy parents and am improving at accepting help. Mostly though, I've been allowing myself to just be instead of constantly enriching my kids. Relaxation is important too!


These are from March... Samantha loves her special breakfasts with her Dad.  Sofia struggles with missing him, which make moments like the one I captured below even more special.

Throughout April there was Family Fun Day and Science Night at Samantha's school, where I got to volunteer (and take the kids around).  We saw a lot of the kids and their families.  We got to have some time with our friends, watch our tulips bloom, see our extended families on both sides for Passover and Easter.  I also managed to spend some time with my friends and squeezed in time to volunteer for Art Adventure and my regular time slot at Samantha's school.

All in all it was another full month, but again, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Then and Now (Four Strange People)

I like to comment how Daddy and I are going to be just like Antie and Uncie in about 25 years. The four of us seem to have a special bond beyond kinship. Antie and I are at times the oddballs and are quite content to be that way. We have so much in common that it's scary, but we make it fun! Uncie and Daddy have always had an unique bond. Uncie is Daddy's mentor and guidepost for life. We treasure them and are anxiously awaiting our upcoming trip to see them.

This is a photo of us taken at Daddy's and mine wedding reception.


Here we are about 7 years later...


If our future truly is to emulate Uncie and Antie, then we are truly blessed.

Time flies

This week flew by and the girls were awesome! Daddy was gone, but we had plenty of visitors and excitement to keep us busy. Monday it started to snow and snow and snow. We spent the night making crafts. Ballet was cancelled. I spent Tuesday trying move the snow using the snowblower and shoveling. Grammy came over to walk Fonz and stayed for dinner. Wednesday was a normal day, but I missed my afternoon caffeine fix so I struggled through the evening. Thursday was swimming, but it was made easier by Papa and Sheila joining us. We all headed to Friday's for dinner and once we got home it was bedtime already. Yesterday Daddy finally got home and it was Chinese food for Shabbat dinner, followed by relaxing as a family.

Full week

After the long weekend, it was hard to leave the girls and head back to work. I enjoy them so much. This week it has been difficult to leave them and I miss my kids!

This morning I was (as Sam put it), being pokey. I wasn't carpooling so I relaxed my routine and hung out with my family. I ended up dropping the girls off on my way into the office and sincerely cherished the experience. I miss doing that every day...

Tonight Daddy had a haircut so the girls and I took Fonz to the nearby dog park. I've recently gotten brave enough to take him off the leash and let him go. Sam has joined me a couple of times (she did not enjoy getting wet), but I had never taken Sofie. Fonzie took off and the girl's pace was not going to keep up with him. When we got to the far side, Fonzie had already moved on to the front side and we finally got Fonz on our next lap. After that, we resumed our routine of park play. We followed that with some family cuddling time and an episode of "Dragon Tales" before bed.

No, they are not fighting... this is the best picture I've got at the moment and it showcases the cute (and cheesy) matching dresses!

It was a good day!

So hard to say goodbye

Oh, how I miss my kids during the workday. I love playing with my girls, teaching them and watching them navigate the world. It is wonderful to experience the world through a child's eyes, maybe even more so when it's your child.

I knew how lucky I was to have the schedule I did in my previous job and I am still grieving that loss after 5+ weeks of working this job. Believe me, I'm not complaining about having a job right now! There are so many honest and hard-working people struggling in this time. I am grateful for my job and the career opportunities it represents. Right now it's not so much the job or even the commute that is overly stressful - it's really the 10 hours I am away every weekday. I'm staying with my commitment to give it 6 months because that will give us time to transition and adjust. I know there are proposals to implement flex-time here so for now I will just get through the day and appreciate the time I have with my family.

However, when I heard that Sam recently told a teacher that she was sad I didn't take her to preschool anymore I cried because I am incredibly sad too! I spoke with her teacher (Ms. Nielsen is a wonderful teacher) and she did her best to comfort Sam.

I'm grateful that I have a husband, 2 smart and sweet kids, a supportive extended family, a dog, friends, a home, career and especially grateful that we are all relatively healthy!

Momma's Dad

Today is the anniversary of my father's death. He died suddenly of a heart attack more than a few years ago. While our relationship wasn't always good, there still isn't a day where I don't think of him and miss him. My girls were never able to meet him and that is incredibly sad to me. Daddy met him once. The last years of his life were the happiest that I have witnessed and I am extremely fortunate to have had that time with him.

This morning I told some stories about my dad to Sam. She asked me what his name was and listened carefully as I shared some stories. Sam got the hear about the farm and some of the animals Dad kept. The llamas Patricia and George, the emus, the donkey named Jack, the goats, horses, cows, chickens (including the mean roosters) and pigs. I told the girls about the sunflowers, raspberry bushes and his pumpkin field. At one point my father had a goat that played fetch and one year his boar pig took the title of "Minnesota's largest boar" at the State Fair. He was just the right amount of crazy and loved pushing boundaries of normalcy as much I as do, if not more.

Momma's daddy may be gone, but never forgotten. I think that is just the way he would like it too!

Bowling and a fall

Last weekend we got to see Angelica and her family! We miss them since they moved so we were really happy that we got to hang with them. We all went bowling and had a great time! Samantha and Angelica did great and every adult got at least one strike. Daddy ruled the game and everyone was helped by using the bumpers to avoid gutter balls. On the last frame, Sofia decided that she would head down the lane with the ball so I went after her. Unfortunately I forgot how slippery the lanes are. As soon as I grabbed her, I fell hard on my tailbone. It was a classic fall with slapstick style. A few minutes later I had a headache that lasted a few days due to the brain scramble I had given myself. I don't know how Sofia didn't fall, but at least she wasn't hurt!

Here are some shots from the bowling alley...

We already miss our friends and are eagerly awaiting your next visit!

Working and changes

My first day went well at my new job. The hardest part was being gone for ten hours. When I got home, we had dinner and I got to play with my girls. I missed them so much today. It may seem trivial and I'm sure we'll get used to it. Every time I thought of them today I had to fight crying. I'm finding it's hard to let go of talking with Sam's teachers at preschool and Leslie at daycare. I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who is eager to jump in and work at a place that is considerate of my kids and will offer me flexible hours. What those hours turn out to be is unknown, but I know we'll figure out a great arrangement!

My emotions coming up is me reacting to the change in our routine. A favorite quote of mine is, "Change happens, growth is optional". I'm processing the change. I look at parenting as being a role model - it's Daddy's and my job to guide the kids through these changes and help them cope while modeling good behavior. I hope that as the years go by my girls actively choose to grow as our life evolves.

Emmy

We lost you 4 years ago today and will never forget you.

St. Louis or BUST!

In 8 days we are taking the kids for an 8 hour drive (non-stop) to see family in St. Louis. One of the best parts is we get to stay with Uncie, Antie, Satchel and Sophie "The Dog". Yes, I named both of my daughters after one of the best dogs EVER, "Sophie Samantha". No, not really but it is fun to scare people with that statement!


Anyway Uncie and Antie, this one's for you!



We can't wait to see you!