Mom and Dad's Simultaneous Business Trips

One of the tips for a happy marriage is, "Walk in a mile your spouse's shoes".  In October I was in St. Louis on business for a week.  The trip went okay, but I missed my family!

Then this past week Daddy and I both had to be in Las Vegas for different business conferences.  We left on a flight together Sunday and finally had 2 minutes for a conversation on Wednesday.  I got back on Thursday night/Friday morning and Daddy got back late Friday night.

We spent Saturday out and about together at the Mill City Museum.  The Flour Tower ride was cool, as was the Minnesota history.

Magical moments

Our family drives each other crazy, which doesn't seem to be unusual.  Being tired and consequently cranky, having too many things on the calendar, and even this never-ending winter are typical reasons for this perpetual annoyance to the other people who live in our house.  We all are culprits and we all get the receiving end.  At least there is balance!

Here are the top annoyances for me by inhabitant:
- Trying to talk to Samantha when she's reading and not doing what she's supposed to, i.e. getting dressed in the morning, or getting ready for bed... do what needs to be done first, then read!
- Teaching Sofia that when I say that you can watch 1 episode of TV means that you turn the TV off when that episode it done... just turn it off and come back to this world!  (This is also why she doesn't watch much television at all.)
- Hoping/Praying/Pleading to any Divine Being that Daddy gets some sleep so he will be patient with life and all its inconveniences the following day.
- Seriously Ely... stop with the towels/sunglasses/gloves already!  Isn't there another way to say something is bothering you?  (Yes, it could be so much worse!)

As for what the family thinks about me, I'm guessing my tendency to shut down and become a grimacing robot to cope would top the list.  I'm working on it and communicating.  I own it, but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it.

BUT...

I've been mindful of the many magical moments I have with my family.  Like having my arm around Samantha as we walked into the grocery store laughing.  Or waking up to hear Sofia walk into my bedroom in the morning with a huge smile and some snuggle time.  And the many moments with Daddy on our trip.

Life is balance and while I'm aware of the annoyances, I focus on the happier moments.  I love my family and work very hard to be a relatively stable wife and mother.  I can be cynical, but overall project a positive vibe into the world.  I look people in the eye and smile.  It's good.

I've been having LOTS of talks with the girls on treating people the way you want to be treated.  Yes, the Golden Rule.  We talk about how even if someone isn't nice, you are to be nice because that's how you want people to treat you.  I know my message is getting through because both girls are saying it back to me.  That alone makes for another magical moment in my life.

A letter to my Dad

It's been 13 years since you passed on to whatever comes after this life.  You are missed.  I struggle to describe you to my children.  Words just don't do you justice, it seems impossible to relate your essence to them.  You were bigger than life, though that's a common perspective of a daughter to have.  I share my stories that highlight your sense of humor and the girls listen, but it's not enough to convey how fun and crazy you could be.  There is a part of you that lives in me and in my daughters and that is a comfort.

I don't pretend that you were perfect because there were times you were horrible and I wanted nothing to do with you.  I'm forever grateful that I put aside the anger and built a relationship with you.  I still have the card you made me out of duct tape after we began speaking again.  I think it's comical that cribbage was our neutral place to meet and that rarely am I beat playing the game to this day.  I can't watch "Wheel of Fortune" without thinking of you in your den.  I think it would've been awesome to take you skydiving like we planned.  You would've been hooked as much as I was!

I miss you even more now that John is gone, though I'm glad you didn't have to experience that loss.  I'm grateful I'm never alone the way he was, whether it was circumstance or choice.  

I wonder what you would say about my life, and I think you'd be curious about my life in the city (though I'm in the suburbs).  I know my girls would have you wrapped around their fingers and you'd enjoy them.  I mostly believe that you would be proud of me.  I still love adventure and I'll fight if I have to.  I've grown up enough to realize that I don't have to share every opinion and actions speak louder than words.  I run free and learn new things daily.  I've learned time is always short so you have to appreciate those special moments when they happen.  I'm still learning the finer points of gardening and am slowly unlocking the farm girl inside.  My arms are still strong from the summers you made me move hay bales.  

You taught me about choosing happiness, so thanks Dad.  I love you.  And I miss you so much.

Weekend of fun and catch-up, plus a rant about marketing

It was a busy weekend again, but not overwhelming.  Other than deciding to avoid Target and Costco on Saturdays, the weekend was filled with a lot of different activities.  Both girls got individual crafting time with Daddy, which they LOVED.  I took the girls to an open gym at their gymnastics studio (Samantha was awesome to watch on the beam!), and then ice-skating by candlelight at my favorite local park.  It wasn't too cold and to me, it was magical.  It was the first time we had all gone skating outside together and we got a workout!  I was happy to oblige for hot cocoas on the way home.

On another note: as the mother of 2 daughters and a woman myself, I am incredibly frustrated with all the commercials featuring women acting like nymphomaniacs and simulating orgasms.  All the variations of sex are maddening because there is so much more to women and men!  Maybe I'm using the wrong shampoo, but I'd like to see a marketing department create a new strategy to get my money.  I'm raising daughters and I'm teaching them to know their bodies.  Unfortunately I also have to teach them that they need to protect themselves from anyone who doesn't see past their bodies.  I repeatedly tell them commercials are lies.  We have conversations about the scantily clad women we see and I ask them to look beyond the picture and wonder about the person in various ads we see.

Mommy trying to make up for Daddy traveling

The girls have been vocal about their dislike of Daddy traveling and both Daddy and I appreciate their honesty.  I'm sure it's hard to hear for Daddy, but he is missed by all of us.  I go into overdrive because it's hard on the kids and like most parents, I want to help my kids with their pain.  It's a different dynamic when he's gone and I do my best.

Since it is noticeably harder whenever Daddy has to leave on a Sunday and will be gone all week, I compensated by taking them out for a junk food lunch followed by a trip to the zoo.  It was chilly, but we got to see the leopard and tiger cubs.  We made banana muffins, took Ely for a long walk and ate dinner downstairs to watch some TV for a bit before playing some games.  There was some resistance to taking Ely, but I took a break to stay calm and I'm grateful both Samantha and Sofia respected me.  It's okay that I need a minute here and there. I'm human and more importantly, they're seeing coping skills in action.  They see my persevere and recover.  And I remember that these days are special in part because I'm so focused on them trying to meet every need and also because I'm mindful how precious the time is that I have with them.

I relish these moments and marvel at how lucky I am to have these wonderful girls as my daughters.

Going crazy at the end of a full weekend

We have a very full life with lots of adventures, places to be, friends to visit and that means that exhaustion hits us all on occasion.  During these times, there is a lot of tension in our house.  We all have our "triggers" for losing our tempers and when it happens, Daddy and I do our best to apologize and keep going.  When the storm has passed and we can review the events with a clear mind, it's usually easy to see where we lose our way.  Then all we can do is try to remember the next time we are losing our patience.  So we learn from it and avoid repeating our mistakes.  It's vital that we take the time we need for ourselves to simply breathe and look at the big picture of our life.

Our "normal life" and feeling blessed

Friday I was off from work to hang with my girls.  They wouldn’t commit to any plans so we stayed home for the most part.  Samantha rose to the challenge of grocery shopping by herself, even though I met her at checkout to pay.  We wandered to a garage sale and each kid spent $5 of their own money on a toy.  They were so thrilled, I’m going to ask Lindsay to take them on Thursday.  We then stopped by for a quick visit to my Uncle Larry’s house which was nice, though the girls weren’t into it for too long.

 

Saturday we took Ely for a stroll and laid low until heading to a friend’s house Saturday night.  The kids enjoyed each other and loved the trampoline.  The dads managed the food and the moms talked kids and decorating.  We are all works in progress.

 

Sunday I took the girls swimming so Daddy could get the lawn mowed.  They ran into friend’s and kept each other entertained for 3 hours before I was the party pooper and said we had to go home.  We had friends coming to meet Ely and accompany us to a local art park for Irish music and dance.  We ate, Sam and I danced (because you only regret the opportunities you don’t take), the kids had fun and the dads were on their own.

 

Miscellaneous notes…

 

I’ve been having discussions with Sofia about staying in bed until she feels happy and how it’s better to start the day with a smile than whining for TV, especially since that ensures there won’t be any TV.  It’s been going well to have her read books to earn TV too.  Trying to teach to daughter’s emotional control when I’m struggling with the same thing has proven humbling and difficult… we are all working for more of an easy-going attitude!

 

I need to make the time/the stars need to align so I can start teaching Samantha more about the Internet and actually get them playing some games.  Since I work in IT, I don’t want to be on the computer at all at night, but I don’t want my girls to be lacking because I didn’t get around to it.  Life is about choices, but you still need to do things you may not want to, right?

Follow your bliss

I'll admit that I've been struggling lately.  Not necessarily depression, just feeling overwhelmed and that I haven't been living to my full potential. I am not afraid to ask for help either.  Thankfully I've got a wonderful husband and friends who usually  gently say what I need to hear.  I'm so grateful for the life I have.

Samantha and Sofia are my greatest motivations to pushing myself to live a full life in most aspects.  I bask in my daughter's joy, teach them to cope with difficulties and appreciate every moment of it. Ok, most moments.  I'm not perfect.  I get upset over little things, yell when I should listen, or retreat into my head.  The list could go on and on.  So I have a choice.  I choose to learn from my mistakes and try to grow so I don't continue a pattern.  Life is chaotic.  That probably won't change and if it does, I will adapt.  And the reasons I make that choice every day are named Sofia and Samantha.

That's how being a parent has changed me.  I still fight through the obstacles I have to because I am the mother to two fabulous daughters who will grow into two fabulous women (if I am so lucky, as I take nothing for granted.) and I need them to know it can be done.  I want them to have full lives because being open to experiences is the purest freedom I've felt and because accepting love as you receive it is being vulnerable and open. It is the hardest thing for me to admit, since I act like life is a giant to-do list at times, but I'm working on it. I'll never be done either, but every once in awhile I can look back with a proud sense of accomplishment and it's a blessing.

April 2012

We began April by giving Daddy some well-earned downtime and going to a small scale children's museum close by.  I was still reeling from unexpectedly missing spring break.

I love Sofia's reaction in the video... priceless.

Daddy was gone for 3 weeks in April. He was home on the weekends and we made the most of the time together, but he was missed by all. The girls and I kept ourselves busy with mostly good weather, playdates and living simply. I realize there will never be enough time so I try to cherish very moment I have with my children. As a family, we have taken an approach to salvage whatever sanity we have and not be over-scheduled. We know families that run themselves ragged every day of the week to activities, clubs and other classes. I am trying to avoid that for us. I don't judge those who make a different choice, or say we won't ever be in that situation (we have have our turn). I'm just trying to keep it simple for as long as I can. I don't see a benefit to signing The girls up for camps if they're not interested. I can put the money toward a vacation or their college funds. I think that Samantha is doing well with only one activity, but I don't know how long that will continue. Sofia is loving the arrangment because of all the playdates. I usually try to get together with another family at least once a week/weekend. I've offered to take kids to support other busy parents and am improving at accepting help. Mostly though, I've been allowing myself to just be instead of constantly enriching my kids. Relaxation is important too!


These are from March... Samantha loves her special breakfasts with her Dad.  Sofia struggles with missing him, which make moments like the one I captured below even more special.

Throughout April there was Family Fun Day and Science Night at Samantha's school, where I got to volunteer (and take the kids around).  We saw a lot of the kids and their families.  We got to have some time with our friends, watch our tulips bloom, see our extended families on both sides for Passover and Easter.  I also managed to spend some time with my friends and squeezed in time to volunteer for Art Adventure and my regular time slot at Samantha's school.

All in all it was another full month, but again, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Let them be who they are

I often tell people that I have no control over my children.  I couldn't make them stop kicking me in the womb so why would I delude myself into thinking I can make them do anything now?  All I can do is model the behavior I want to see from them and know them well enough to see what's coming if I don't get them out of a situation.

There is a cliche in self-help programs referred to HALT.  It's a signal to never let yourself get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired.  Everyone will start to fall apart when they hit those breakpoints.  Think about it... it's the beginning of desperation, which leads to those things you can't ever take back.

Our children are kind, caring and full of enthusiasm for life!  They love each other and are sisters, meaning they are the best of friends and the worst of enemies.  They miss each other, but savor the time away from their sister.  A little adventure alone is a good thing and necessary to everyone's sanity.

Today we spent a calm day as a family.  We played games, read some books and did gymnastics.  The girls held hands in the car as we went to Nana and Papa's house for dinner to enjoy some extended family time.  The kids loved seeing their cousins as usual and tonight Ashley was there too.  She commented on how intelligent and observant Samantha is, and how Sofia and Samantha's personalities are so opposite.  Sofia is free with her affections and has no fear of jumping in while Samantha prefers to watch the dynamic initially, though she has no fear either.  They are so different, but in our family they complement each other well.

It's a good thing and I am proud to say that I have no control over my children!

Relaxing weekend

I decided to forget about the non-urgent work that I took home and hang with the family.  It was a good decision (as it nearly always is).  We made progress on some projects that had been waiting and just spent time with each other.  The time went by too fast, but it was nice for us all to be together.  We saw both sides of our extended family and while it was busy, it was relaxing most of all.  I needed the perspective change from "I've got to squeeze everything in somehow" to "It'll get done when it gets done because I'm with my family right now". 

Life is short.  I'm reminded of that witnessing my kids grow and watching our dog show his age.  It's natural and while I've dealt with the deaths loved ones and lived on a farm, I'm sad and resigned.  Fonzie continues to be as cherished and as frustrating as any member of our family.  I tell Daddy and the kids that we never know how much time anyone has, so we should appreciate the time we have now.  I'm grateful that we've got today.

From a quote my father recited to me:

The past is a memory, the future is unknown, that's why today is called a present.

Make it most of it.

Cinderella with my girls

One of my birthday gifts this year was 4 tickets to see "Cinderella".  Antie She opted to come instead of Daddy.  It was a nice surprise for me when the Fairy Godmother told Cinderella it was up to her to make her dreams come true, since I believe you rescue yourself.  The girls were great I got to wear the jewelry that I got for Hanukkah too! 

Life Lessons

It can always be better and it can always be worse.

I live my life to the fullest, but I'm not a martyr trying to live up to a mythical parenting standard.   I'm extremely fortunate, but I stress trying to juggle the demands of my marriage, my young daughters, an old dog, friends, myself and a full-time job. I am an optimist and I am a realist and I have a lot of satisfaction in and gratitude for my life.

Here's how: I take a few minutes each day to focus on myself and ensure that I'm OK. If I'm not, then I figure out the issue and deal with it. Sometimes I'm just tired so I allot time to go to bed earlier. Other times I just take some time to sit still and not think. Usually once I recognize the problem (i.e. I'm tired or neglecting a need), then I can vocalize what I need and ask for help. If I can't change the circumstances, I change my reaction and make peace with it.  This too shall pass.  I've learned that if I ignore my needs everything will fall apart very quickly. I have negotiated a flexible schedule by sacrificing some evenings/weekends as necessary. My daughter loves that I come to her school every week and I have some fun too. Working with kids (both low and high achievers) definitely helps me remember what is important so I appreciate my family. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be, but I find peace in knowing that I've done what I can do and remembering there will always be more to do. Life is a journey, not a destination.

All we can do is our best and find a way to make it work. I consciously choose not to judge my life by material standards and focus on family time and expanding our community. I'm trying to teach my girls that you can only control how you react to life and inner peace comes from letting go of everything else. Live your life being true to yourself and that will ensure your kids can handle whatever they life throws at them, including granting yourself some peace. Don't stop dreaming about what your passions are, but don't expect it to just happen to you. Step outside of your comfort, take a risk and grow. Don't allow dwelling on "woulda coulda shoulda". And never stop hoping.  Send out a positive vibe and focus on constructive energy.  (And it's okay to hide out every great once in a while to recharge and get some alone time.)

My daughters:  I love you and it is a huge honor to be your mother.

When we stopped to view the sunset

Fall is upon us and we wore coats to the park. The summer has flown by and we've made it through a week of school and preschool. But, with all the adjustments and more arrangements being made, all of us oohed and ahhed at the sunset we saw driving home from "cranky park" tonight. (It has a crank toy.). It was gorgeous. There were shades of pink, orange, purple and yellow... Just a beautiful sight. I'm so proud that even in our fast-paced life, we can still stop to admire something as simple as a sunset. The most awe-inspiring things I have seen in my life resemble tonight and it's a moment I will never forget. That feeling is best termed as serenity and I'm grateful for it and my family sharing it with me.

I am not where I came from, I am what I choose to become.

Carl Jung had it right.

I try to live in the moment every day, yet there are times when I look back with appreciation that I conquered my demons.  Compared to most people, I had it really good - I just lacked some coping skills.  I have a mother who is (and has always been) in my corner, loving me despite the mess I was.  People appeared in my life just when I needed their help.  Some are still here, others are not.  Now I have a family of my own who loves me and is eager to spend time with me.  I have friends who love the adventures (read: escapades) we have.  I'm blessed and I appreciate what I have and where I came from.  But I'm not done.  I still have people to meet and things to do.  It's important to me to help folks in any way possible because that's what helped me in my darkest moments.  Sometimes it's just a smile and/or a empathetic ear.  Other times it's being assertive by standing up against negativity.  It can be as simple as seizing an opportunity to assist someone.  The strangest thing is I end up feeling better afterwards, just by being kind.  Pay it forward! 

Remember this always my daughters, your choice is what you become since you have no control of where you come from.  Focus on what you still have to do while taking care of yourself... That is how you attain true happiness.

BIG THANKS to Grammy

Today was the last morning that Grammy came for morning kid duties, (take the Sofia to daycare and ensure Samantha gets on the school bus).  With Daddy's crazy travel schedule and it's tendency to change at the last minute, Grammy's help has made it possible for me to avoid trouble at work and get to my office at a consistent and early hour.  This has saved me so much stress!

Thank you Grammy for all you have done for us and all you continue to do!  We are all appreciative and so grateful to have you involved with our lives!  I hope you get just as much as you give because you are a wonderful mother and grandmother.  You're a huge part of what makes our family wonderful!

My last time in Kindergarten (At least for this year!)

I volunteered for the last time in Samantha's classroom today. Wow, what an adventure it has been!  I remember feeling apprehensive the first time I spoke with Samantha's teacher about working with the kids.  I chose not to panic and try to guide the flow.  It was an amazing experience getting to know the kids, learning their strengths and help them improve.  I don't know if the kids truly enjoyed the time with me, but of course Samantha tells me they all did.  She also tells me that one of the boys "LOVES" me.  Really?  Yes, we are there already.  I honestly enjoyed hanging with the kids, talking about art, helping with puzzles, math, reading, or whatever else the teacher came up with.  I remember some particularly hectic days feeling frazzled walking into the school and walking out after volunteering feeling so grateful for my daughter and my entire life.  I noticed the clouds in the sky, spring flowers, fall colors and I always smiled.  Nearly every week was like that, just filled with moments of marveling at our world.

Thank you Samantha for welcoming me into your life at school!

Mommy's mobility problem

I've had problems with my back for half of my life.  Sprains, disc problems and most recently a muscle strain that literally can knock me on my butt.  It is what it is and while I do take care of myself, I refuse to limit what I do and don't do very often.  I try to use my stubbornness to my advantage by refusing to bow to the pain.  As crazy as it may sound, when I fall, the girls see me get up (even though I'm struggling) and they watch me keep going.

This was the case a few weeks ago when I seized the opportunity to clear a space for a garden.  We didn't get it done last year and I promised Sam that we would make it happen this year.  Unfortunately, the bushes that were in the designated garden space didn't appreciate being uprooted and fought a great battle.  I did ultimately win the battle, but not without injuring myself.

Last night Samantha asked how long it would be until my back isn't broken. She said it patiently, like she's dealing with it, but looking forward to me being back to normal. I'm assuming that she's looking forward to me running around again because I do play with them and I'm active.  I explained that it will be a couple of weeks probably for this episode, but I will have back problems for the rest of my life.  She looked at me doubtfully when I said it could be a lot worse than it is now.

I then told her about a friend from my adolescence that I lived with briefly who had survived a car wreck and ended up in a wheelchair. Jenny was an awesome friend and a positive influence on me. I told Samantha she did wheelies in her chair and that we had good, crazy fun.  From people like Jenny, I learned that you should appreciate how good you've got it right now and that no matter what, you are the only person who will keep you down.

That is why whatever pain I'm feeling, I get up and keep going.  There is no one to stop me besides me and I'm living that lesson every day.  I'll admit that moving at a snail's pace can be maddening, but life is about progress and I'm taking it one step at a time.

Samantha asserts her independence

Last night Samantha announced that she would put herself to bed and didn't want any stories.  My only thought was, "Already?  She doesn't want us reading to her?  Did I do something wrong?"  That was followed by the fear that she'll fall behind if we don't read to her. 

I'm heartbroken, proud and bewildered by my eldest. I remind myself that it's good that she's assertive enough to state her request and that she may change her mind.  In any case, I'm impressed by Samantha.  She is a wonderful kid and growing more every day!

Here is a picture of her with her Nana and Papa.  They have a great relationship!

John's Memorial

Today was the memorial for my brother John. He left us a week ago and I doubt he realized the impact he had. John was a teacher, coach, advisor and a friend to many. At one point, there was a line out the door of people who wanted to pay their respects to Bill, myself and our mother. It was incredibly comforting to hear directly from his students the encouragement John gave them, as well as colleagues that received mentoring and friendship from him.

There are many questions that we'll never get the answers for, including why couldn't he ask for help instead of choosing his way. But John wasn't a man who compromised. He gave his entire self to his passions and spent his life on those passions, helping those around him while never asking for, nor accepting help. If you were pushing yourself he would back you up and if he suspected you weren't pushing hard enough, John would let you know.

I'm sorry that my kids and my husband never knew him, but I find solace in all the lives he touched and that he was able to give himself even in death through organ donation. While I hope to never go through this ordeal again, I'm so grateful for today because it allowed all who attended to take comfort and keep living.

Love is all that matters. Keep that in your life and you can truly live.